Wednesday, September 26, 2007

College Republicans Go Gleefully to Iraq (Satire)

By Staff Writer Caleb T. Maupin

There are many places that college students go to escape from the stressful world of books, grades, and bleeding-heart socialist professors. Some will backpack through Europe, others will celebrate Mardi Gras in New Orleans, or spend their spring break highly intoxicated and “going wild.”
But the College Republicans of Baldwin-Wallace are going to a place not many college-aged youth plan on going to--at least happily, that is.
Yes, the Baldwin-Wallace College Republicans are going to Iraq.
“I’ve heard about it on TV,” said one of them. “Every time I see it, I get so much more excited about going.”
When asked what she looked forward to, she responded, “Everyone I see on the news talking about Iraq looks so happy. They are always showing smiling kids going to school for the first time. I mean, in Iraq, when you vote you get to finger paint! How cool is that!”
When asked about the reports of death and violence, she went on, “Whenever there is any bad news about Iraq, it’s just liberal propaganda. I mean, look at all these ‘explosions.’ What do we do in this country to celebrate our freedom? Hello! Fireworks! The Iraqis are so happy that George Bush liberated them they are setting off fireworks all the time. We should have a blast. Imagine the Fourth of July at least 90 times every day!”
Another leader of the College Republicans made it clear that he would be paying his own way to Iraq, and not doing any military service while there.
“If I join the military and go to Iraq, the government has to pay for it. That’s called Socialism. I’m going to enjoy this democratic tropical paradise with the money my grandfathers’ fathers’ father earned. That’s the American way!”The College Republicans plan on having a topless dance party in Fallujah, as well as a hotdog roast in one of the large Mosques in the Sunni triangle.
“We’re going to show the Iraqis some of the things they can do now that they are free. They will probably join us in our celebrations of their new freedoms. I can’t wait to see the excited looks on their faces. They have been dreaming about seeing someone do the vicious Anti-Islamic things we’ve planned on doing for years.”
When asked if they thought the Iraqis would be offended they answered, “It’s only a small minority of people in Iraq that don’t love absolutely everything about the West. I heard on the Rush Limbaugh show that they are considering renaming Iraq ‘the new America.’”
When asked if there were concerns about being hurt on their visit, they responded, “When we turn on FOX news, we never see any rotting bodies, or dead children, or hospitals being bombed, or people being tortured. So, obviously it isn’t happening. The trip should be great. Now sign up for it if you don’t hate freedom!”
The College Republicans will have a sign-up sheet for the trip, and other Republican literature, in the Union during meal times.

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